Still Dreaming

Some people really are Still Dreaming
And I'm one of them
Ton of stems and roots I'm trying to ground
Sprinkle water on
So I can have the Tree I believe in

I'm still dreaming
Of the day when I don't overanalyze
Just realize it's gonna be what it is
But what it is, is always less than what I want
Because I'm still dreaming of ultimate happiness
Wondering if it really exists
Or just exists in storybooks
Overlooked by the reality of true life

But I'm Still Dreaming
Day and night
About my knight in shining armor that will let me relax
While he does it all
Or half, shit I'll take it
Work with it
Own it
Make it mine
We can both shine in this dream
Beam the good vibes from the both of us
Like Captain Planet
Make a better world for us
In God we Trust

But I'm Still Dreaming
Even though my leaves get worn down
Fall off
The spring always sings a new light
That bright green refreshes the part of me that gets
Rusted by the cold winter of people's hearts and intentions
Withered by trying with no results or resolutions

But I'm Still Dreaming
Seems like I should sleep more, huh?
Get it right
My true sight is blinded by fears
Some predated, some more created
But my dreams come with such sincerity and clarity
That it's making me think Nyquil may be the quick fix
Sick or not
Not to hide from reality
But it does bite right now
Not much left of the apple I shared
Insides getting brown
Chewed up by some unassuming souls
That thought the shiny red exterior
Was the total picture
But wait...there's more!!
Because I'm still dreaming
Never stopped
Never clocked in or out
Because I'm ever evolving
Reaching
Striving
To have exactly what I want
Got more than a few grains of sand left
In my life-glass
To make my dream last forever
Just gotta get it together

Whenever I dream, the hope shines so bright
Like rain that changes its mind
And lets the sun play just a little bit more
How nice.
The price is just not a penny for my thoughts…
I’ve brought my best visions to the table
Praying that someone will be able to get it
Get me
Get the dream of course
That’s all I talk about right?
But I can’t let it go
The path I have mapped out is invaluable
Infallible for the right pair
We just both have to yearn to be “There”
It’s unfair for one to dream and the other to be in
A stagnant fragment of still space
Especially when I see so much potential

So I keep dreaming
Of complete congruence
Without outside influence
Opinions on stuff they know nothing about
Trying to convince that another branch is the way
It’s okay to be the only ones standing
Someone has to start
Put their hand out
And build up the ones around them
Blaze a trail that leads to more than
Tripping before the finish line is in sight
Starting yet another race with a DQ
It’s true that some people really are content
With inaction
But not even a fraction of me can sit still
And let bliss skip by on its merry way
That’s why EVERY DAY I’m still …

I had some people in my life that tried to stop my dream
Not having it
Tried to gleam in the falsehood of smoke and mirrors
I’m not laughing
I love Langston but this will NOT be a dream deferred
I overheard a little birdie saying this is MY time
Our time
The right time to not look back
Rejoice over the lessons learned and move the hell on
And on and on
My cipher keeps moving not by the beats of others
But by my own internal metronome
Ticking tockin' til ya don’t stop
Pop locking my way to "betterness"
My past was a mess
As abstract as Vincent
And since then it’s been back to stick figures
I figured out it’s easier to keep it simple
And if you can’t get with that
You know what to do
Don’t wake me Chris said
Don’t try to break me down to keep me in your nightmare
Shaking me isn’t going to change anything
I don’t care WHAT you do
I just took an Ambien and I’m only in my first hour of rest
Do your worst
Hell, do your best
But final hour tap dancing will never work for me
Took me too long to hang the picture on the wall just right
So I’ll be damned if anyone ties a rope around my cloud nine
It’s not moving
In fact it’s stuck on trust, faith and a little bit of luck
Glued in the sky by sweet honey memories
And more to come…

So like Annie I sure did
Bet my bottom dollar
Put my last quarter in the slot
Spent my complete life savings on that horse
Of course (of course) I did
All for my eternal craving
Of just one final blink of shut eye
Hoping that it won’t deny me
Any piece of my vision
So I’m living for the day where
My Rapid Eve Movement pays off
Due to progress and improvement of my
Neverending dream
Working towards the moment where it seems
I was awake the whole time
But until then I’m still…

Free

I'll actually introduce this one properly...this is about meeting someone after a troublesome series of events where you didn't feel like meeting someone new could ever be THIS easy =)

Free.
Free to be me.
Free to be you.
Free to be we.
Together we can grow without limits and with us it in
Our possibilities are infinite.

We are free to explore
Unopened doors
Untraveled roads
Free to explode inside each other.

Breaking out of this confined box
With meaningless locks and rules on how we should
Do this thing called Newness

We are free to build on the rubble of our troublesome pasts
Hapless attempts at a vibe we find to be effortless

We are free to live and learn from life's lessons
And there no guessing that
We've both been through some messes
Me thinking he was the one when it was only fun
You thinking she was it when it was bullshit

But we are free to be wise and know that
Naivete will not be our demise
Free to realize our lives were placed in this moment
Right on time.
Like an unexpected surprise
You secretly hoped for in the back of your mind.
Like a random act of kindness
When you were at the brink of madness
We are free to redefine happiness

Free to expose our deepest vulnerabilities
And know they will be met with equal insecurities
Because being free is scary
This newness has mystery
And we both have histories
We don't wanna repeat
But we are free to complete each other
In a way no other can compete

Free to support
Free to seek comfort in each other's arms
Like a lost child in a world full of harm
Free to get it right this time.
Free to be wrong sometimes
Free to understand that time is on our side

Free to control this train of refreshed hope
Coping with mistakes we're bound to make
But knowing this strong bond, they will not break

Free to express what was previously suppressed
Resting on no less
Than complete honesty and respect
Blessed to take on ANY critic's test

Free to release ourselves
Break out of the shells
From the virtual hells
We've both fallen victim to...
But this ain't the time to dwell
Because we are finally free
To awaken each other's senses
Like freshly cut lenses
To the visually impaired
We can share this NEW vision
That shall only be hidden
To those with inhibitions

But having limits is not what being free is about...

So let's shout this freedom song
Bringing anyone along
Who wants to travel and unravel themselves
From the packaging of cookie-cutter courtship.

I'm free to admit I don't have all the answers
But I'm willing to take a chance on you
If you'd just take a glance at the beginning I've envisioned
Perhaps add your own lines
May be the best story ever written
Scripted by two beings on a daunting journey to be
Unlimited
And refreshingly
Free.

I Want To...

I want-
I want to tell him that I...
My heart’s been secretly speaking to his for some time now
But won’t allow me
To reveal this fact vocally.
Why have fear of something so great?
Can’t let it get too late before my lips forget how to part.
Where should I start?
These words can never be taken back
Once I break the seal of freedom
My heart is imploding with the anticipation of emotions unheard
Such powerful words
Yet I feel powerless
Slave to my own experiences
Shackled by repeated instances when I was there
And he was not...
And my outgrown vest couldn’t protect me
From the heart-breaking shots of
Silence...
Distance...
And awkward space.

Maybe
Just maybe this time
I won’t have to erase the half-drawn pictures
And start over.
My supplies are getting low
Resources coming in slow
No telling how much more I can go
Before I need help holding my arms up.

Maybe
Just maybe this time
We can go half on the canvas
He bring the paint
I have the brushes
And we can fumble around life’s trials and error
And complete each other
As much as two lost souls can manage.
Slowly lifting the fog of stifling pain
Hopefully some sun is left in us
Make a pretty picture for once

No secret that I am literally scared speechless
Rendered a mute on life’s greatest subject
Foundation of all creations
God’s everlasting gift...
And I can’t share it
Can’t say it
Can’t even write it
Shit!
What can lift this?

If the words reached me first...
Oh my dry, cracked heart has a
Yet to be quenched thirst for the moisturizing relief
That I am more than capable
Of touching his soul
In the same way he erased my resistance to
Being touched at all.

My lips are going to betray me soon...
I can feel it.
I put my all into the goodnight kiss
To stifle it.
Shut it up for as long as I can while I wait...
And wait…
I feel fake not being true
To this unmistakable reality.
Purgery is a crime
And I don’t have much more time on the stand
Before another witness
Unleashes the lines I’ve been trying to mask as undefined
But why?
Everyone knows but him.

I know he feels me...
Baby, please feel me
Hold my hand
And guide me through
While I try to clear up and swim through
This murky existence of the unknown...

Info on Cars...Or Is It??

This is just funny to me - I wrote this rant some time ago, but it really still rings true when you think about it. I wish everyone thought this way....


Just a little bit of info on cars- feel me on this one:

(clearing throat)

If you change the engine, but don't change the tires, how new of a vehicle are you really working with?? Putting high mileage oil into a new car does not make any sense - a new approach is needed to make it work properly. If you keep bringing old parts from the PREVIOUS vehicle, why would one expect the new car to work? Why have a new car at all?? If the old car gave you MANY problems and you are indeed grateful to be rid of it and it's constant complications, then BE HAPPY that lemon is SOMEONE ELSE'S problem to worry about.

Contrary to popular belief, new cars can break down quickly due to misuse because the are mostly controlled by computers, therefore rendered SMARTER but also less likely to respond to a quick fix or short glance under the hood. Something as minor as not putting oil in a new car could cause MAJOR problems and shut for whole vehicle down. So, constant care is needed. The old car may have been okay with sporadic care because of it's make, model and year...and perhaps it required less because it didn't always come through for you when you needed it. Maybe it ran OUT on you when you needed it most, so it took whatever it got at the time, perhaps out of guilt...BUT you are working with a CLASSIER make and MODEL now, that is ready for new roads and terrain that the old car was never capable of, or even had the BUILD to attempt.

Trust and believe that as smart as the new car may be, and as much as it may tend to adapt itself to the owner - sometimes the fit isn't right. And if the owner brings the past troubles of the old car into the running life of the new car, chances are the life of the new vehicle may be shorter than previously expected...And Armor All can't fix everything.

But I'm just a girl, so I shouldn't know much about cars, right? Now read the above again but apply it to relationships and tell me if this didn't make perfect sense....Just food for thought.

I'm Tired of Being Sexy

Yeah I said it - and I'm not taking it back. Some men thinks it's cool to "compliment" a women and call her SEXY, but that's such an easy thing to say and it's also subjective to the beholder's eye. So, this was a rant, a plead if you will for men to come up with something different for once, because believe me, we've heard it all...


I'm tired of being sexy.
Believe me it's a blessing,
a gift I'm appreciative of, but a curse
wrapped so nicely,
tightly bound by a good shape
a nice face
and long legs
making y'all beg, plead, deceive
speed on that wave of hope that you'll achieve
one night.

But I'm tired of being sexy because there's MORE.
Surely I don't implore you to move with eyes wide shut
but I wish y'all would open up
cut past the obvious
I don't doubt how hard it is
yeah I know how wet it is
you don't think I work at this?

This shit ain't easy.
While you're trying to please me,
kiss these lips,
I'm trying to dismiss the myth
that we are limited to just "THIS".
While y'all throwing all these moves
I want to prove that there's more
than your temporary needs I can soothe.

Lemme provide lubrication to ease your mind.
Bind you into submission with my inner vision.
Make you cum to your senses
Prevent you from going over that
Bullshit fence called "I don't know, we're chilling, but you're cool....
let's keep it 'Gray'
What ever happened to Black and White?
This must be fun to y'all right?
And all we really hear is:
"I can fuck you right now, can wife you til my shit's tight"
It's like that song I heard, Sunshine got it right
she said I heard it all before....

And it's really a shame.
Can't say I blame you,
a lot of us women have the same views
I'm done hearing me complain too
But just once
a line like such
might make me hush for one moment like:
"Damn she got a fat BRAIN!"
"Did you see the LOYALTY on her?"
"Yo...she rode my EMOTIONS like crazy."

Please feel me...
This gets old for us.
Trust we enjoy the comments about our butts
how y'all damn near BUST off a memory of that
night of lust.
But just because we take our time
to look this FINE
doesn't mean you should feel less inclined
to find us to be a good catch
in reasonable time.

I know this sounds crazy....
A rookie on the fast track to vet status
barely attempting the apparatus.
But if settling for early pension
would release this neverending tension
then sign me up
and buy me a shirt that says
"I'm RE-fucking-TIRED of being SEXY.

But this ain't the song cry of one woman's regret
It's for the conglomerate,
of how pissed we ALL get
when these dudes we've met
are so stuck, so set
on how we look blessed
in our little black dress
since our everyday attire ain't a beater and some sweats
We remain perplexed
it's like y'all seem to forget
that there's more to the pie
than the cut y'all expect.

But don't stress...
and don't get all emotional
this don't have to be about you.
But you're familiar with that saying about FITTINGS and SHOES.
Get a clue.

Prove there's more you value
than how ROCK our presence gets you
STOP living in the moment
reality checks are overdue.

Realize
the girl with those thighs
could be your LIFELONG prize
and while you checkin' out her size
she staring DEAD in your eyes
Dying to be refreshingly surprised.

So pop quiz, masters of the night
this lessons been given clearly.
But then again....
did you even really hear me?

The Wrong Train

So, one day I was on my way to a casting for an event for the premiere of Idlewild, and I was supposed to be in Harlem at a certain time that day. Well....somehow I took the wrong subway and ended up on my way to Queens (??). So, in order to not lose my complete sanity (anyone that's ridden a subway in NY, knows that all you can do is just wait for the next stop and not scream), I started writing and this is what I came up with....

Sometimes I think I might be on the wrong train.
It's had its equal shares of joys and pains but
At times I feel like the rain has surpassed an amount that is fair.
Dare I complain when my train keeps trucking along, while other peoples' songs have been cut short?
But I'm human and my sometimes ain't always, so I'll take this day to rant.
I'm always thankful but ignore the truth? I can't.

I had a plan in hand for the land I was about to explore.
I didn't sign up for what I've endured.
It had too many unbeaten trails I wasn't ready for.
Unfamiliar streets
So many occasions I wanted to retreat back to what was comfortable - ready to accept defeat.
But my Conductor Knight-Rided, auto-piloted so He could come talk to me.
Filled my tank full of faith I was gettin' low on
Gave me strength to go on
So I relaxed, tried to enjoy the ride, took it in stride, occupied myself
Played with the cards I was dealt

And I'm wondering what kind of game I'm playing
I can't play Poker, see I've been told I'm one of a kind
So I Go Fish but I hate wishing for a match
So I'm yelling Uno to a crowded car of people that ain't playin' with a full deck
Solitaire must be my best bet, I guess, what's left??
Just my mental space filled to capacity with loneliness.
The audacity of these temporary riders, liars leading me to believe they're strapped in 'til the final stop.

With their questionable motives, hoping to get me off track
Trying to vote me off my island but I swam back.
Inducing pollution so that my only solution is evolution
Resolution can't be one-ended, so keep it movin' is my conclusion.

This track's had so many curves and turns that I can't learn the route before it switches up on me.
I think my Conductor was testing me, making sure the bumps didn't get the best of me
Investing values in me that I can handle anything
And with Him I can.
One split moment I looked past my Conductor and swore I saw a brick wall
Guess it ain't for me to see it all
This train has moved so fast the the tracks got laid down in just enough time to avoid a crash.
See even when my mind's eye is blind, my Conductor guides my path.
He lifts any unneeded weight I can't take, gets the negative freight off my train.
Cargo detrimental to my journey so that only positivity remained

Making me think that perhaps this track's for me
I can't foresee the end, for He holds the schedule
Allowing light at the ends of my tunnels, so I'll stay hopeful.
That this isn't the wrong train, maybe just the wrong frame of mind
There will be lessons lived and learned - Reasons will come in due time.
And so will the wisdom - this moment of clarity is important.
Illuminating my path to those who are supportive - I won't force it.

The sun won't always shine through my window, but I've been equipped to adjust.
So I'll sit back and hold tight because in Him, I trust.

How are You

Let's call this an introduction to myself - this is my favorite poem to spit... I was thinking about what would happen if I randomly said "Hello" to a stranger and he asked how I was....and I decided to tell him EXACTLY what was going on with me at that time.

How are you?
I'm fine. And you?
I'm good.
Who cares?
Not you.
One word can't define how I'm doing
So I'll describe 'til I ruin your expectations of a short reply

I'm anxious.
Anxious to know what IT's gonna be
WHO it's gonna be
And am I gonna be happy with what IT is
And when is THAT gonna be?

I'm frustrated
Frustrated with "if"
Dying to move to the land of "is" and "is not"
Seems to be light years away, these days
My rocket's losing gas
Gushing out fast
Need to patch that up
Before I crash
Land on "Maybe".

I'm afraid.
Afraid of losing half of me
23 chromosomes that gave me these eyes
This tenacity
The sweetheart in me
Struggling constantly with inevitability
SHE holds my sanity
And when she can't
Who got me?

I'm sure you have to go by now
Thought I'd fake it again somehow but
I'm tired
Tired of plastering this smile
This veneer is losing it's luster
Can't muster up enough sheen
To slip to a better state of mind

But yeah I'm fine.
And you?
I'm good.
Who cares?
Not you.

"Can" took a vacation
Subletted to "Can't"
Therefore I
Can't brush it off, the bristles are worn
Can't snap out of it, my fingers are torn
On hope's jagged edge
See this is where I live right now
Looking over the hedge
Wondering if it's true
That over there's a brighter hue.

I'm slipping.
Slipping on the buttons of life's Etch-O-Sketch
Straight lines are supposed to be easy
Right?
Not without light.
Wait...
Almost got it
FUCK.
Hit another bump
Shook my whole shit up.

So I here I am at the line once again
Ready to dash out the blocks
Sneaks got stolen
I'm workin with socks
Holes in those
Squinting to see my lane
It's starting to rain
This could get tricky
Like Bambi's try at ice
Wasn't pretty.

But I'm trying.
Trying to find my niche in a life with occupied corners
The middle of the floor isn't fun
Without someone to dance with
To Love
Laugh
Live
LIFE.

So I'm living.
Never giving up
Just get's tough
To brave the cold
When I just told myself to shed some layers
Let the sun touch my Soul.

I need relief
If relief were fresh air, my window would be painted open FOREVER
No matter the weather.
Things must get better.
They always do
Patience is a virtue
Never been more true.

You picked the WRONG one today
Weren't prepared for what I had to say
And I'm fresh outta sugar
Got too heavy
Price became too hefty
"Fuck it" was on sale
Displayed right next to TMI
So I apologize if I'm wasting your time
Took the other pill for a change
So I wasn't able to comply
With the required script
I know you ain't diggin' this dose of the real me
Lemme slip on the cloak again
Make it easy
Go 'head.
Repeat.
I'm ready.
How are you?
I'm fine. And you?
I'm good.
Who cares?
Not you.