I Want To...

I want-
I want to tell him that I...
My heart’s been secretly speaking to his for some time now
But won’t allow me
To reveal this fact vocally.
Why have fear of something so great?
Can’t let it get too late before my lips forget how to part.
Where should I start?
These words can never be taken back
Once I break the seal of freedom
My heart is imploding with the anticipation of emotions unheard
Such powerful words
Yet I feel powerless
Slave to my own experiences
Shackled by repeated instances when I was there
And he was not...
And my outgrown vest couldn’t protect me
From the heart-breaking shots of
Silence...
Distance...
And awkward space.

Maybe
Just maybe this time
I won’t have to erase the half-drawn pictures
And start over.
My supplies are getting low
Resources coming in slow
No telling how much more I can go
Before I need help holding my arms up.

Maybe
Just maybe this time
We can go half on the canvas
He bring the paint
I have the brushes
And we can fumble around life’s trials and error
And complete each other
As much as two lost souls can manage.
Slowly lifting the fog of stifling pain
Hopefully some sun is left in us
Make a pretty picture for once

No secret that I am literally scared speechless
Rendered a mute on life’s greatest subject
Foundation of all creations
God’s everlasting gift...
And I can’t share it
Can’t say it
Can’t even write it
Shit!
What can lift this?

If the words reached me first...
Oh my dry, cracked heart has a
Yet to be quenched thirst for the moisturizing relief
That I am more than capable
Of touching his soul
In the same way he erased my resistance to
Being touched at all.

My lips are going to betray me soon...
I can feel it.
I put my all into the goodnight kiss
To stifle it.
Shut it up for as long as I can while I wait...
And wait…
I feel fake not being true
To this unmistakable reality.
Purgery is a crime
And I don’t have much more time on the stand
Before another witness
Unleashes the lines I’ve been trying to mask as undefined
But why?
Everyone knows but him.

I know he feels me...
Baby, please feel me
Hold my hand
And guide me through
While I try to clear up and swim through
This murky existence of the unknown...