Time

Time, I need to talk to you

If you’d please grant me your wares

I know they are priceless

Yet if you could offer me credit

I’d take anything you offer

for more moments with him.

Time, how frugal you were with us

I thought we had more pieces of you banked

Into our accounts of dreams and future goals

We were so sure we budgeted enough to insure us for a lifetime

But you had a different plan

Rendering us bankrupt before we played our full game.

Oh, time how cruel you can be

I know we borrowed, robbed and try to cheat our way to get more of you

But it was all for Love.

So, it was fair. Right?

For love, we put in all our chips

Rested on faith

Leaned on the Lord

Prayed for more of you to enter our lives

To, bless us with the manifestation of aspirations discussed

To create a blending of the best parts of us

More boundless bliss

But our fingertips lost our grip on you

We tried everything to hold onto you

And you, Time, you fled us in the night

Blindsighted by your trickery

I was knocked senseless into the reality

That you were indeed not on my side.

Time…you fickle spinster of joy and pain

What more could I have done?

I was loyal to you and cherished you to the fullest

I packed much purpose into the gift you gave me with him

And you played with me.

Dangled the carrot and I bit down so hard and fast

That we were speechless with happiness

Now, Time, I know I gripped you by the reins

And begged you to grant me things you could not

For you knew the answers and held them close to your heart

So I know I’m asking for an oasis in the desert of my mind

That yearns for his love to keep refreshing me

But please allow my irrational plea

And wish that I had more of you

For Us.

He Is My...

There are times we don't know what to call someone so special to us...boyfriend sounds like we're extremely young. Man sounds like...well, "man". We could call someone our mate, partner, ace, best friend...all of these things. Or, you could describe until one tires of you singing the praises of your love. This is my take on a very special person who left the world much too soon: 

He is my…

No one word can describe the volume and magnitude of his meaning to me

so I see it necessary to express the depths of his

imprint stamped on my heart.

He is my…

unlimited joy enveloped in brown skin

and a grin that melts the frozen parts of me.

He is my…

heart’s desires manifested in a surreal reality

moving me to ponder whether I am actually awake.

He is my…

every boundless dream imaginable yet finally within my reach

teaching me to forever strive for infinite possibilities

and never settle.

He is my…

rhythm in my strut, wind in my hair

for he makes me feel light

like I’m traveling on a butterfly’s wings.

He is my…

song I sing effortlessly and flawlessly

for the beauty is in the passion of the melody

not in the precision of being perfect.

I hit notes loud and right because he sees the best in me.

He is…

my radiant smile at the silliest things

He is…

my hips moving to the harmony we create in silence

He is…

more than a friend though such a foundation created this very moment

He is…

not my boyfriend for this is a Man

in every sense of the word.

From his maturity to his integrity

to the way his stride reflects wisdom in his young years.

A walk that evokes tears

by just the sheer knowledge of the hills and valleys he’s endured.

I see so much in store for

He is my…

vision I never dared to share with anyone else

for their sight was blinded by doubt and fear

But here he and I are and it’s so hard to know what to call him

I just know he is my…

Happiness in the staccato of my heartbeat

when his presence shines over my past pain

I will no longer refrain from calling him my…

Strong climax of multiple emotions

washing refreshing waves over my eroded hope.

He is my…

unlocked and untapped bliss

Breaking chains that had me rooted

in a murky existence.

He is my…

Clarity in simplicity.

My…Honesty with delicate delivery.

My…Gentleness in the eye of the storm.

For our climate is peaceful

no matter the seasons we encounter.

We even dance in the rain

appreciating God’s droplets that

leave our souls renewed and ready to conquer any challenge.

He is my…

Twinkle in these dark brown eyes

Taking in this unhindered view with new lenses.

He is my…

Provider of emotional safety

My…supporter of individuality

My…safe space to just BE.

Hence, my hesitation in naming him

Is not a minimization of his importance

I deem it the complete opposite

for it is a reflection, an introspection

a pause in my inability to be concise.

My life is and will forever be shifted by this…

By him.

where I can only find presumptuous comfort in simply calling him

my Future.

Thank You

On the day I discovered my home church in September 2013, all of these feelings gushed out. It was very important that I do this for myself and I went alone. I immediately knew it was where I was supposed to be. When I arrived home, this is what came out:

Lord, please accept my tears as my acceptance of you into my heart,
Washing your grace and glory over me.
I feel weak with the evil You are ripping out of me with every sob
I feel You deep within my soul
mending broken seams
It seems I've been distant, not away just not as close as I should be to You
So these tears are an apology
A decree that I thank you for welcoming me back Lord
I've stored up so many shortcomings and masked them with foundation and blush
But the foundation is You.
You brought forth these tears
So that my true self is revealed
Humbled and bowed down before You
Swaying me with melodies of praise and worship
Praying the seeds You've bestowed upon me
Are sewn in your Image
Your light.
I wish my salt to sprinkle upon those who need me
And with your help, I will walk your path.

Lord, the heaves overtaking my small frame
Are a reminder that things are so much bigger than me
Hence I receive what is happening to me physically
Is only the start of what You will be to me in this Light
Darkness is defined as merely the absence of light
So please shine your beam over the corners that no one else dare touch
Illuminate the dank, foul pieces of me that have spoiled
Heal me.
Restore me.
I implore thee, please keep showing me the way
I walked into your house today feeling lost yet guided
And was provided such warmth and welcoming that I knew your hand held mine as I took steps in.
You carried me and said
"Listen my child, I love you."
"Let my earthly disciples speak my words"
”Hear Me.”
And with that, streams poured out
Not of sadness
But a release that finally, I am where you want me
A release that halted resistance
I felt no shame as your beams bursted out within me
Displayed in life's water
I welcome it.
Please continue to work on me, Lord
And however I show my gratitude
I know you will receive it with open arms
Just as your vessels did with me today
Thank you.

Is It Okay?

Is it okay that I…

With questions swirling, twirling new experiences in my mind
Like my favorite cream in my coffee
Warming my insides as you do
And calming my tides as only you can
I need to know...
Is it okay to be in love with you now?
The timing and things left undefined
Minding my needs as if you are more than what you are…
So far I'm loving my heartbeat's staccato
And songs that stick in my head describing you
And so much you give me by simply being you
Being true to your words and truer to your heart
So I wonder if I'm ahead of myself
Or mindfully ahead of what I already know will be
Will we feel this way ...forever?
Whether it’s the now or the here we may be in a year's time
I can no longer hide from what my insides are screaming to you.
It's wise to silence this in the midst of my touch and kiss
And hope you hear me out
Please read my sighs between the lines and cries to you that
I never and I mean never have been so affected...
Reflecting back on the past trips to Oz
I never knew where I was going and neither did they
They were missing crucial pieces that would have left me dead if I gave it.
A brain refraining from constant ridicule
A heart full of unconditional giving
The courage to say any of this
Yet you are filling my chalice to the brim
Making me marvel at how good Home feels
Sipping, simmering me down as emotions boil over
You receive them all.
Not questioning my mindplay bouncing around life's pinball machine
Hoping I have one more life left
To try again and actually win
To actually think I can have all that I put in

The joy output is immeasurable
Pleasurable sensations overtake my psyche
And this might be the best feeling I've ever...
Is this okay to say this now?
I'm done arm-wrestling this blissful revelation
Elation washes over any fears I have of jumping over the moon and shouting from the stars
That this constellation was written before we ever realized
Pieces of the sun shine in my eyes when I gaze at a rarity such as you
Your touch tickles fantasies
Plans that we could do this for more than a reason or a season
But to have all this in me now...
I'm scared.

The barriers make more than complete sense
But my heart doesn't listen and when you touch her core
She loses all logic.
Loses all grips on reality
Fingertips slipping off deliberate intention
Splashing into waves lacking any prevention of
Making premature moves.
Dare we float without an oar to shores of unlimited passion?
Crash into once barren islands of disappointment and build from there?
Bare our souls' fears and walk around naked without shame?
Share our tears into a cup filled with promise
Letting that quench our overflowing desire for each other.
Will you soothe the rough edges of my hesitance?
Erode uneven patches until we melt into each other seamlessly
I beg thee please stay with me on the edge of vulnerability
Hold my hand as I gaze over the cliff
Rifts and ripples of blue caressing the rocks
As I address these blocks in my mind
The water looks so lovely and welcoming
Like the fountain of youth erasing the bitter
Sweet nectar of truth delighting my taste buds
I feel renewed.

My fire red mood blends with your mellow yellow
We glow copper and watch our suns set in a view so breathtaking
you wish time would slow down to catch every hue.
We burst into rainbows
Bellowing joyous melodies blending into an unrehearsed harmony.
Even our hums sing notes we could boast reach octaves uncharted
Your bass clef hooks me into a groove so moving
Swaying me in rhythmic beats such that
I could dance on you all night
My only fright is...is this stance too soon?
The chance to swoon and fan myself comes often
Even in an empty room, your impression on me is jarring
For you to have a starring role in what I hold so close to me is…
I certainly don’t mind
I just find myself fighting my words
So contradictory to who I am
And I wish to save some things for the moment where we put a dead bolt on this lock and key that already fits so secure
Closing the door to any permeations
Invasions from others that envy even our beginning
My wheels are spinning at the infinite possibilities of us
But I trust the pace, the space we’ve placed between us and around us
Allowing our untouched meadows to be tended and tilled until…
I will continue to let them cultivate and grow
For now please allow all non-verbals to be the absolute truth

And if our paths bring us “here” one day
There will be a lot I need to tell you.

Roses

At times, people in relationships get complacent and feel like efforts 'after the fact' will work. Sometimes they do, but other times they do not, due to the pain endured during their time together. There is a fear of returning and being vulnerable to that person in a way where they could potentially be hurt again. In reading this, my hope is that you remember how fragile love is...just as fragile as life is. 

This is dead and now I get roses

I suppose if this were my homegoing I'd receive a glowing bouquet from you as well

But this has gone to hell... And I get roses

Smelling as bittersweet as the oxymoron it is

I love the red and pink hues and dislike you in the same line

But that's how we always worked, isn't it?

Now that I've welcomed Genesis you have a Revelation that I was your whole world

But Now that it has ended, I get roses?

In a clear vase as breakable as the house you threw your stones from

Pieces get scattered when they've been shattered to dust

Quicksand can't be picked up by any broom bare of bristles

But my hands come together for you

Snaps and claps resounding from my fingertips as I pluck petals

Fretting the answer to "he loves me", "he loves me not"

I know what it is but this... Is too late

The season has passed for these flowers to flourish

My grounds are hibernating, healing for new seeds

So these...Will last maybe a week.

Just enough time for me to have a brief weak moment

For my heart strings to ring a familiar tune

For me to remember the room you kept in my soul

Before I cleaned shop and stopped being for Sale

So this... Is temporary.

As infrequent as the "I love you"s

As barren as the emotional expression unless it was the fury

Any jury would say you are guilty of tap dancing when the curtains have closed so

I hear you... I just can't see you

Just as I can no longer see you as my future

The sutures to my heart barely had any stitches left to

Have and hold the love of another so I left in just enough time

Before I was completely devoid of any growth

Frozen like the tundra in Siberia

Theories have contended I like the sun much better

The beams refresh my dreams of brighter tomorrows forevermore

So this may be slightly impressive

Yet not progressive to the path I've chosen

I've freshly rewoven my reward pathways so I’m not weirdly addicted to pain

Acclimated to disappointment

Surprised by joy

Imagine that...

The web was so tangled it that right angles looked round

That silence was the best sound I ever heard

So I will dance to my heart beating lighter

Let new butterflies tickle the corner of my mouth

I shall look at these roses as a moment in time

A reminder that everything is great in its prime

Yet will die if not nurtured and cherished…

If not treated as richly as their first bloom

Even when the pinks and reds fade

So this…has had its run but I’m ready to let go

Throwing the last flower 6 feet below

As this phase of my life descends to peacefully rest

With this rose, I bid thee Adieu.

I Used To Know This Girl

I used to know this girl...

Big eyes, bigger heart

Flawless start

Wore a long white dress to the playground

Cuz she never got dirty

Played it safe

Watched all the other kids dive first

Get hurt

But not her...


Smoothed out her lace and ruffles

Trouble unknown to her perfect bubble

Watched from afar of how good, bad looked

But never partook

Content with a book and hope

She asked me if I would hold her hand

While she took in this new land

Area was uncharted

And she didn't want to start off wrong

I agreed

Letting her know things would speed up at times

Like the merry go round she loved so much

Minus the levers

She couldn't help but touch

This ride would be different...

Years passed on

Dress not so long

Had to cut the sleeves

So her body could breathe in

New experience

Now she's partially exposed

Soap can't wash off everything so

The dress had a new shade

Call it dingy reality

Actually got used to the sweat stains

Of pained truth

Life's proof that no one is invincible

Nor untouchable

Yes lovable, but

Ever permeable to

The up's and down of growing up

I couldn't protect her like I wanted to

And it was heart-breaking

She kept making calls out to me

Screaming for help

Somewhere along the line

I put her needs on a shelf

Considered everyone else's

Concerned with what they thought

What they sought

Wasn't hard to tell…

I fought myself daily

In a present day hell

Over who to put first

Overwhelmed by the undying thirst for answers

Her voice cracked, crying for recognition

The position I put her in was unforgivable

Damn near unlivable

Yet she kept her trust in me

Regardless of my worthiness to

Be the protector of something so dear

Some days, she would just look at me

Wiping away tears

Failing at hiding the fear she encountered along the way

The little girl was still in there

Somewhere...

Though, something was missing

Her hair had a stench

Of liquor and lust

Substitutes for what her real path should have been

Her heart covered in rust

And she just looked at me...

Those big eyes told a story of disappointment

Missed appointments of where the blessings were assigned

Told me rash decisions

Took her place in line

Every time they took a piece of her

She was willing to give it

Living off the hope of receiving the same

But that day never came

Unreciprocated efforts wittled her sweetness away

To nothingness

Always loving less than she deserved

Her people pleasing tendencies

Had her teasing her own emotions unfulfilled

Naïve to sleazy intentions

And her only prevention was to be alone

But that's not what her heart called home


She brought the dress back to me

Lying in a box

Said the only way to avoid further damage

Was to keep it sealed and locked

She didn't want to lose it

But leaving it out for everyone

Was a magnet for abuse

I asked her what she wore

She said she just tightens the belt around a black robe

When she answers the door

Don't get dressed no more

She knew what they were there for


And I just looked at her...

And it

The pure white frock had turned to a shade of brown

Like the kids from the park

Stomped it to the ground

The lace was gone

Ruffles lost their fluff

The delicate trim was wrinkled

This dress had had enough

At this point it was unwearable

Irreparable

The biggest patches known to man

Couldn't cover up the holes

Left by them stroking

Poking in their needs

And leaving her seeds to rot

Rarely nurtured by true love's moist soil

Relying on the rain to be her only spoil

While toiling to hold onto whatever's left in her

What's left in her?

A future where perhaps things would look up?

What luck she would have to run into

To build up her defeated trust

And she just looked at me...


Her hair was wet from the constant troubles

Showering down on head

She cowered in the corner of the tub instead of

Standing up and dealing with it

Finally she rose to her feet

Stopped bobbing to the beats of the wrong drums

She'd rather listen to HERSELF hum

The misguiding music was blaring so loud

That I could never hear her

I used my towel to wipe the fog off the mirror

Looked her deep into those big brown eyes

And told her, "I can't promise you anything but

I'll do my best to protect you better this time..."

Performance of "Free" - from 12/1/2012

My performance of "Free" with Delaware's Own Best Kept Soul!! Voltage Lounge 12/1/2012 at Poetic Vibez event.