God Sends Me Flowers

He told me “God sends me flowers and you are one of them”

I didn’t know if that made me a gardenia, hydrangea or a hyacinth

But I knew I only wanted to be a help…

A joy in tumultuous period with an unknown end

I wanted to live up to the beauty a flower possesses

Delicate to the touch

Standing strong in the sun and even the rain

I wanted to be tender and sway with wherever the wind took us

I prayed for the shady days to not overshadow my brightness

For no slights in the weather to alter our climate of peace

I gave encouragement likened to the faith of a mustard seed

Breeding disbelief that my small frame could shoulder the boulders of unexpected tomorrows

Even sorrow couldn’t shake my rooting in God that it’d be alright

That he’d be alright

I stood strong in the unforced fields of discovery

We frolicked in possibility knowing only He had the final answer

Beyond mishaps and shortcomings of man

In spite of fear that sunrise would arrive without him

He held strong to his flower

Powerful hands never loosened their grip on hope and the power of prayer

Layers of doubt washed off with each morning his eyes met another day

And another day

I’d prune off weeds of sadness before I’d attempt to be what he saw in me

Making sure my petals were in full bloom

No tears when Heaven is much better than here

No uncertainty when he had such surety in salvation

As I look back, I can only hope I was even a fraction of the joy and beauty flowers convey

But just in case I was not

On his last birthday, I sent a bouquet….

Dear Beloved.

Dear Beloved

Dear Beloved, I see you

I see all of you

I see your muffled cries of unhappiness

Your constant efforts to hold broken pieces together

The cuts bleeding you straight to your core

How much do you have left?

Transfusing loyalty for living

Giving parts you don't even have

For what?

Fears keeps you buried in irrational thinking

Tears stain the song and dance you continue to tap

Until...

Until...

You're tapped out.



But I see you

I see all of you

My heart yearns for you to take the shades off

Show your bruises to the world

Let the sun of understanding shine

Upon the dark schema that

You don't deserve more

That you've reaching a ceiling keeping you

In this realm

You have no idea of your potential



But I see you

I see all of you

I want to give you a shovel

A crane

A bulldozer

Move this mountain of shame and doubt

Push with all your might

Fight for yourself as hard as you fight YourSelf

You too, are worth it!

If the mountain is too heavy Beloved

Move around it

Surround it with your bravery

Create your peace within

Build a dam over your waves of sorrow

For tomorrow's a new day to stand

And trust, I know

I see you

I see all of you

I am you and outside of you

Next to you

Walking with you

Together we can be


What God has intended.

I am Looking Forward

I am looking forward

I am looking forward to something to look forward to

Searching for the next door

That leads to more than dead ends

Mending these stitches in time

Trying to patch together the holes that

Life has dealt me

I am looking forward to smiling

Not just at past memories

Not the fake, teeth-showing

Lifeless eyes knowing the truth

But a full, bright grin that reflects

The color of my soul



I am looking forward to comfort within this space

Through this storm

For the clouds to break apart

And show my heart the reasons

For this season.

For night to fall

Where I don't call out for solace


I am looking forward to peace.

Time

Time, I need to talk to you

If you’d please grant me your wares

I know they are priceless

Yet if you could offer me credit

I’d take anything you offer

for more moments with him.

Time, how frugal you were with us

I thought we had more pieces of you banked

Into our accounts of dreams and future goals

We were so sure we budgeted enough to insure us for a lifetime

But you had a different plan

Rendering us bankrupt before we played our full game.

Oh, time how cruel you can be

I know we borrowed, robbed and try to cheat our way to get more of you

But it was all for Love.

So, it was fair. Right?

For love, we put in all our chips

Rested on faith

Leaned on the Lord

Prayed for more of you to enter our lives

To, bless us with the manifestation of aspirations discussed

To create a blending of the best parts of us

More boundless bliss

But our fingertips lost our grip on you

We tried everything to hold onto you

And you, Time, you fled us in the night

Blindsighted by your trickery

I was knocked senseless into the reality

That you were indeed not on my side.

Time…you fickle spinster of joy and pain

What more could I have done?

I was loyal to you and cherished you to the fullest

I packed much purpose into the gift you gave me with him

And you played with me.

Dangled the carrot and I bit down so hard and fast

That we were speechless with happiness

Now, Time, I know I gripped you by the reins

And begged you to grant me things you could not

For you knew the answers and held them close to your heart

So I know I’m asking for an oasis in the desert of my mind

That yearns for his love to keep refreshing me

But please allow my irrational plea

And wish that I had more of you

For Us.

Is It Okay?

Is it okay that I…

With questions swirling, twirling new experiences in my mind
Like my favorite cream in my coffee
Warming my insides as you do
And calming my tides as only you can
I need to know...
Is it okay to be in love with you now?
The timing and things left undefined
Minding my needs as if you are more than what you are…
So far I'm loving my heartbeat's staccato
And songs that stick in my head describing you
And so much you give me by simply being you
Being true to your words and truer to your heart
So I wonder if I'm ahead of myself
Or mindfully ahead of what I already know will be
Will we feel this way ...forever?
Whether it’s the now or the here we may be in a year's time
I can no longer hide from what my insides are screaming to you.
It's wise to silence this in the midst of my touch and kiss
And hope you hear me out
Please read my sighs between the lines and cries to you that
I never and I mean never have been so affected...
Reflecting back on the past trips to Oz
I never knew where I was going and neither did they
They were missing crucial pieces that would have left me dead if I gave it.
A brain refraining from constant ridicule
A heart full of unconditional giving
The courage to say any of this
Yet you are filling my chalice to the brim
Making me marvel at how good Home feels
Sipping, simmering me down as emotions boil over
You receive them all.
Not questioning my mindplay bouncing around life's pinball machine
Hoping I have one more life left
To try again and actually win
To actually think I can have all that I put in

The joy output is immeasurable
Pleasurable sensations overtake my psyche
And this might be the best feeling I've ever...
Is this okay to say this now?
I'm done arm-wrestling this blissful revelation
Elation washes over any fears I have of jumping over the moon and shouting from the stars
That this constellation was written before we ever realized
Pieces of the sun shine in my eyes when I gaze at a rarity such as you
Your touch tickles fantasies
Plans that we could do this for more than a reason or a season
But to have all this in me now...
I'm scared.

The barriers make more than complete sense
But my heart doesn't listen and when you touch her core
She loses all logic.
Loses all grips on reality
Fingertips slipping off deliberate intention
Splashing into waves lacking any prevention of
Making premature moves.
Dare we float without an oar to shores of unlimited passion?
Crash into once barren islands of disappointment and build from there?
Bare our souls' fears and walk around naked without shame?
Share our tears into a cup filled with promise
Letting that quench our overflowing desire for each other.
Will you soothe the rough edges of my hesitance?
Erode uneven patches until we melt into each other seamlessly
I beg thee please stay with me on the edge of vulnerability
Hold my hand as I gaze over the cliff
Rifts and ripples of blue caressing the rocks
As I address these blocks in my mind
The water looks so lovely and welcoming
Like the fountain of youth erasing the bitter
Sweet nectar of truth delighting my taste buds
I feel renewed.

My fire red mood blends with your mellow yellow
We glow copper and watch our suns set in a view so breathtaking
you wish time would slow down to catch every hue.
We burst into rainbows
Bellowing joyous melodies blending into an unrehearsed harmony.
Even our hums sing notes we could boast reach octaves uncharted
Your bass clef hooks me into a groove so moving
Swaying me in rhythmic beats such that
I could dance on you all night
My only fright is...is this stance too soon?
The chance to swoon and fan myself comes often
Even in an empty room, your impression on me is jarring
For you to have a starring role in what I hold so close to me is…
I certainly don’t mind
I just find myself fighting my words
So contradictory to who I am
And I wish to save some things for the moment where we put a dead bolt on this lock and key that already fits so secure
Closing the door to any permeations
Invasions from others that envy even our beginning
My wheels are spinning at the infinite possibilities of us
But I trust the pace, the space we’ve placed between us and around us
Allowing our untouched meadows to be tended and tilled until…
I will continue to let them cultivate and grow
For now please allow all non-verbals to be the absolute truth

And if our paths bring us “here” one day
There will be a lot I need to tell you.

Roses

At times, people in relationships get complacent and feel like efforts 'after the fact' will work. Sometimes they do, but other times they do not, due to the pain endured during their time together. There is a fear of returning and being vulnerable to that person in a way where they could potentially be hurt again. In reading this, my hope is that you remember how fragile love is...just as fragile as life is. 

This is dead and now I get roses

I suppose if this were my homegoing I'd receive a glowing bouquet from you as well

But this has gone to hell... And I get roses

Smelling as bittersweet as the oxymoron it is

I love the red and pink hues and dislike you in the same line

But that's how we always worked, isn't it?

Now that I've welcomed Genesis you have a Revelation that I was your whole world

But Now that it has ended, I get roses?

In a clear vase as breakable as the house you threw your stones from

Pieces get scattered when they've been shattered to dust

Quicksand can't be picked up by any broom bare of bristles

But my hands come together for you

Snaps and claps resounding from my fingertips as I pluck petals

Fretting the answer to "he loves me", "he loves me not"

I know what it is but this... Is too late

The season has passed for these flowers to flourish

My grounds are hibernating, healing for new seeds

So these...Will last maybe a week.

Just enough time for me to have a brief weak moment

For my heart strings to ring a familiar tune

For me to remember the room you kept in my soul

Before I cleaned shop and stopped being for Sale

So this... Is temporary.

As infrequent as the "I love you"s

As barren as the emotional expression unless it was the fury

Any jury would say you are guilty of tap dancing when the curtains have closed so

I hear you... I just can't see you

Just as I can no longer see you as my future

The sutures to my heart barely had any stitches left to

Have and hold the love of another so I left in just enough time

Before I was completely devoid of any growth

Frozen like the tundra in Siberia

Theories have contended I like the sun much better

The beams refresh my dreams of brighter tomorrows forevermore

So this may be slightly impressive

Yet not progressive to the path I've chosen

I've freshly rewoven my reward pathways so I’m not weirdly addicted to pain

Acclimated to disappointment

Surprised by joy

Imagine that...

The web was so tangled it that right angles looked round

That silence was the best sound I ever heard

So I will dance to my heart beating lighter

Let new butterflies tickle the corner of my mouth

I shall look at these roses as a moment in time

A reminder that everything is great in its prime

Yet will die if not nurtured and cherished…

If not treated as richly as their first bloom

Even when the pinks and reds fade

So this…has had its run but I’m ready to let go

Throwing the last flower 6 feet below

As this phase of my life descends to peacefully rest

With this rose, I bid thee Adieu.

Still Dreaming

Some people really are Still Dreaming
And I'm one of them
Ton of stems and roots I'm trying to ground
Sprinkle water on
So I can have the Tree I believe in

I'm still dreaming
Of the day when I don't overanalyze
Just realize it's gonna be what it is
But what it is, is always less than what I want
Because I'm still dreaming of ultimate happiness
Wondering if it really exists
Or just exists in storybooks
Overlooked by the reality of true life

But I'm Still Dreaming
Day and night
About my knight in shining armor that will let me relax
While he does it all
Or half, shit I'll take it
Work with it
Own it
Make it mine
We can both shine in this dream
Beam the good vibes from the both of us
Like Captain Planet
Make a better world for us
In God we Trust

But I'm Still Dreaming
Even though my leaves get worn down
Fall off
The spring always sings a new light
That bright green refreshes the part of me that gets
Rusted by the cold winter of people's hearts and intentions
Withered by trying with no results or resolutions

But I'm Still Dreaming
Seems like I should sleep more, huh?
Get it right
My true sight is blinded by fears
Some predated, some more created
But my dreams come with such sincerity and clarity
That it's making me think Nyquil may be the quick fix
Sick or not
Not to hide from reality
But it does bite right now
Not much left of the apple I shared
Insides getting brown
Chewed up by some unassuming souls
That thought the shiny red exterior
Was the total picture
But wait...there's more!!
Because I'm still dreaming
Never stopped
Never clocked in or out
Because I'm ever evolving
Reaching
Striving
To have exactly what I want
Got more than a few grains of sand left
In my life-glass
To make my dream last forever
Just gotta get it together

Whenever I dream, the hope shines so bright
Like rain that changes its mind
And lets the sun play just a little bit more
How nice.
The price is just not a penny for my thoughts…
I’ve brought my best visions to the table
Praying that someone will be able to get it
Get me
Get the dream of course
That’s all I talk about right?
But I can’t let it go
The path I have mapped out is invaluable
Infallible for the right pair
We just both have to yearn to be “There”
It’s unfair for one to dream and the other to be in
A stagnant fragment of still space
Especially when I see so much potential

So I keep dreaming
Of complete congruence
Without outside influence
Opinions on stuff they know nothing about
Trying to convince that another branch is the way
It’s okay to be the only ones standing
Someone has to start
Put their hand out
And build up the ones around them
Blaze a trail that leads to more than
Tripping before the finish line is in sight
Starting yet another race with a DQ
It’s true that some people really are content
With inaction
But not even a fraction of me can sit still
And let bliss skip by on its merry way
That’s why EVERY DAY I’m still …

I had some people in my life that tried to stop my dream
Not having it
Tried to gleam in the falsehood of smoke and mirrors
I’m not laughing
I love Langston but this will NOT be a dream deferred
I overheard a little birdie saying this is MY time
Our time
The right time to not look back
Rejoice over the lessons learned and move the hell on
And on and on
My cipher keeps moving not by the beats of others
But by my own internal metronome
Ticking tockin' til ya don’t stop
Pop locking my way to "betterness"
My past was a mess
As abstract as Vincent
And since then it’s been back to stick figures
I figured out it’s easier to keep it simple
And if you can’t get with that
You know what to do
Don’t wake me Chris said
Don’t try to break me down to keep me in your nightmare
Shaking me isn’t going to change anything
I don’t care WHAT you do
I just took an Ambien and I’m only in my first hour of rest
Do your worst
Hell, do your best
But final hour tap dancing will never work for me
Took me too long to hang the picture on the wall just right
So I’ll be damned if anyone ties a rope around my cloud nine
It’s not moving
In fact it’s stuck on trust, faith and a little bit of luck
Glued in the sky by sweet honey memories
And more to come…

So like Annie I sure did
Bet my bottom dollar
Put my last quarter in the slot
Spent my complete life savings on that horse
Of course (of course) I did
All for my eternal craving
Of just one final blink of shut eye
Hoping that it won’t deny me
Any piece of my vision
So I’m living for the day where
My Rapid Eve Movement pays off
Due to progress and improvement of my
Neverending dream
Working towards the moment where it seems
I was awake the whole time
But until then I’m still…